HomeJokes? Let's have some fun!
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!
by donsjokes Fri Mar 16, 2012 2:32 am
Thanks to my daughter for trying to find her funny bone:
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
A: A carrot.
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A: A walkie talkie.
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs.
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
A: Jurassic Pork.
Q: Why did the whale cross the road?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: What do you get when you cross a basset with a beagle?
A: A bagel.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a frog?
A: A croaker spaniel.
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
A: Great big holes all across Australia.
Q: What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with a giraffe?
A: A long necked toothbrush.
Q: What do you get if you cross a toad with a galaxy?
A: Star Warts.
Q: What do you get if you cross a walrus with a bee?
A: A wallaby.
Q: What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a flower?
A: I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it.
Q: What do get if cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A: A woolly jumper.
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger and a sheep?
A: A stripey jumper.
Q: What do you get if you cross a bumble bee with a door bell?
A: A humdinger.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A: A brick layer.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a dog?
A: Pooched eggs.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
A: Roost beef.
Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a bunch of daisies?
A: Collie flowers.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow and a camel?
A: Lumpy milkshakes.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
A: A carrot.
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A: A walkie talkie.
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs.
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
A: Jurassic Pork.
Q: Why did the whale cross the road?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: What do you get when you cross a basset with a beagle?
A: A bagel.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a frog?
A: A croaker spaniel.
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
A: Great big holes all across Australia.
Q: What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with a giraffe?
A: A long necked toothbrush.
Q: What do you get if you cross a toad with a galaxy?
A: Star Warts.
Q: What do you get if you cross a walrus with a bee?
A: A wallaby.
Q: What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a flower?
A: I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it.
Q: What do get if cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A: A woolly jumper.
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger and a sheep?
A: A stripey jumper.
Q: What do you get if you cross a bumble bee with a door bell?
A: A humdinger.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A: A brick layer.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a dog?
A: Pooched eggs.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
A: Roost beef.
Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a bunch of daisies?
A: Collie flowers.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow and a camel?
A: Lumpy milkshakes.
donsjokes- Aetos Dios
- Posts : 35
Join date : 2012-01-07
Age : 53
Location : Roebuck, SC, USA, NA, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy -
Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!
by donsjokes Mon Mar 19, 2012 8:55 am
DO IT AGAIN!
DO IT AGAIN!
DO IT AGAIN!
donsjokes- Aetos Dios
- Posts : 35
Join date : 2012-01-07
Age : 53
Location : Roebuck, SC, USA, NA, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy -
donsjokes- Aetos Dios
- Posts : 35
Join date : 2012-01-07
Age : 53
Location : Roebuck, SC, USA, NA, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy -
Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!
by Tinatin1 Mon May 14, 2012 11:10 pm
donsjokes wrote:Homie math:
omg 
Tinatin1- Posts : 7
Join date : 2012-05-13
Age : 36
Location : China
donsjokes- Aetos Dios
- Posts : 35
Join date : 2012-01-07
Age : 53
Location : Roebuck, SC, USA, NA, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy -
Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!
by Jawvira Sat Jul 06, 2013 1:29 pm
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband
unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy
is in there already.
The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250-00."
A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in
the cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"$750-00."
The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and
boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for $1000."
The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... $1000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess your sins."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: "Dark in here."
THE PRIEST SAYS: "DON’T START THAT SH!T AGAIN!"
THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE
work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband
unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy
is in there already.
The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250-00."
A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in
the cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"$750-00."
The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and
boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for $1000."
The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... $1000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess your sins."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: "Dark in here."
THE PRIEST SAYS: "DON’T START THAT SH!T AGAIN!"
THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE
Jawvira- Posts : 5
Join date : 2013-06-23
Age : 57
Location : Australia
Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!
by Jawvira Sat Jul 06, 2013 1:31 pm
The Art of Interrogation
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit...."
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit...."
Jawvira- Posts : 5
Join date : 2013-06-23
Age : 57
Location : Australia
Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!
by Jawvira Sat Jul 06, 2013 1:33 pm
Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ..... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't .... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ..... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't .... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....
Jawvira- Posts : 5
Join date : 2013-06-23
Age : 57
Location : Australia
Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!
by Jawvira Sat Jul 06, 2013 1:34 pm
Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ..... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't .... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy.... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ..... you're a pervert. If you don't .... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape .. you're vain. If you don't .... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers .... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements .... you're full of yourself. If you don't .... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache.... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.
Q. Why do men die first? A. Because they want to.
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ..... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't .... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy.... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ..... you're a pervert. If you don't .... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape .. you're vain. If you don't .... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers .... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements .... you're full of yourself. If you don't .... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache.... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.
Q. Why do men die first? A. Because they want to.
Jawvira- Posts : 5
Join date : 2013-06-23
Age : 57
Location : Australia
Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!
by Jawvira Sat Jul 06, 2013 1:35 pm
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
Very upset, she cried, ‘You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me… a faithful wife. I am the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can explain to you how this happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began, 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor girl devoured them in moments...
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested she take a shower. So, while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
She needed new clothes, so I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for all the gifts, my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Very upset, she cried, ‘You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me… a faithful wife. I am the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can explain to you how this happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began, 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor girl devoured them in moments...
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested she take a shower. So, while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
She needed new clothes, so I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for all the gifts, my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Jawvira- Posts : 5
Join date : 2013-06-23
Age : 57
Location : Australia
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