Jokes? Let's have some fun!

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Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by Admin on Fri Jan 06, 2012 7:30 am

While others go on and on and on and on and on and on with their numbers, statistics and mathematical equations Sleep , how about we add a lighter side to things? monkey

Post your jokes, puns, and nonsensically random thoughts here! Laughing


Last edited by Admin on Fri Jan 06, 2012 10:29 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by Admin on Fri Jan 06, 2012 7:36 am

I absolutely love this! It's a take on AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds"

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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by donsjokes on Sat Jan 07, 2012 3:04 am

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."

The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?

"No," she says.

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by KingHomer on Wed Jan 11, 2012 1:54 am

What does the farmer and fisherman with the boat have to do with the drunk eating bad eggs at the diner?

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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by donsjokes on Wed Jan 11, 2012 1:59 am

Things that make go, "Hmmmm..."
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by donsjokes on Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:01 am

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by donsjokes on Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:02 am

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
Shocked
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by donsjokes on Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:15 am

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by donsjokes on Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:21 am

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by donsjokes on Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:35 am



They don't call him "Papa Smurf" for nothing! affraid Twisted Evil
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by parashuram on Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:29 pm

Teacher: Name me a bird that can fly.
Student: An Elephant
Teacher: You are not that bright son, are you? What does your father do?
Student: He works as a hitman in the mafia
Teacher: You are right, Elephant is the right answer son.

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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by Hitch on Wed Jan 11, 2012 3:14 pm

lol! Nice one, Para!!! lol!
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by Hitch on Wed Jan 11, 2012 3:16 pm

Well, this one is a classic, so it gotta be here!

Little Melly came home from school with a huge smile on her face and told her mother:
- "Hitchy showed me his weenie today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Melly went on to say:
- "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Melly's Mom asked:
- "Really small, was it?"
Melly replied:
- "No!……….... salty!"
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by parashuram on Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:01 am

haha... good one!!
Here's a good one:

Japanese attitude for work: "If one can do it, I can do it. If no one can do it, I must do it. " ---------------
Middle Eastern attitude for work: "Wallahi (praise God), if one can do it, let him do it. If no one can do it, ya-habibi (my dear), how can I do it?" :-)

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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by donsjokes on Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:39 am

Homie math:

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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by donsjokes on Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:40 am

more homie math:

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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by Hitch on Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:31 am


I asked my girlfriend:
- You wanna 68?
- What's that? - she said
- It's where you go down on me and I owe you 1.
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by xeslaro on Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:31 pm



Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says
'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'




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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by xeslaro on Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:33 pm



A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be
left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.




The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by xeslaro on Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:34 pm

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation .
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by donsjokes on Sat Jan 14, 2012 8:53 am

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by donsjokes on Thu Jan 26, 2012 6:25 pm

L.A. Math Test

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:____________________
Gang:________________________

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by DemonUUolf on Thu Feb 16, 2012 9:55 pm

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Some People are like Slinkies...they're really good for nothing..
But They still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

To have an erection is to clear your mind. To have a clear mind is to be enlightened. Thus, an erection is the answer to enlightenment.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

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I thought it was funny

Post by corbinfish on Thu Mar 08, 2012 2:19 pm


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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

Post by corbinfish on Sat Mar 10, 2012 3:40 pm

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."




The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"




And God saw it was good.




On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."



The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"




And God, again saw it was good.




On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."




The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"




And God agreed it was good.




On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."




But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"




"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."




So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.




Life has now been explained to you.




There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.

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Re: Jokes? Let's have some fun!

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